Big truck all I can say is yahh hoooo Iam so happy for you iam crying with tears of joy my prayers are with you hope everything works out for you and your family. No disregard that statement it will work out for your family stay strong and focused , One day at a time you may have some bad days but they will get better for you and your wife, once she starts therapy things will become clearer to her and then the healing will start, she may cry but thats ok it is part of the healing process get the tissue ready, be there for her listen to her and cry with her but most of all be happy she talking about it and wants to be happy and love again my prayers are with you and your family that this journey will be a new beggining don't look back my friend live for today no grudeges about before this is a new beggining for you no matter the outcome you have made such progress to be happy and be with the woman you love. Move forward the sun is shining on you bask in it and enjoy the momemt. For you have opened her heart and mind,and know she is ready to take that next step forward to seek proffessional help. And you my friend with all your love for her helped get her to understand that. Iam so proud of you Take care keep me posted hugs jojo :)

Splcaster, Hope all is going well azuremaiden, Glad to see your feeling not alone. I had a good chat with my wife last night (in her seperate room) I said I was very unhappy about our marriage and wanted to seek a councelor now but didnt want to push her. Well my wife came out and said she's already started making calls to therapist to discuss herself and marriage issues. WOW she's actually taking a step in the right direction. She's totally realized how miserable she is as a person and wants to be happy again. Her Depression has lasted her entire life and now it has affected the marriage and I feel we can not communicate because she is totally "shutdown". I understand how she is now (thanks to this website and JOJO) She feels somewhat scared because she's lost touch with her feeling about the marriage/self/ me/ etc. Total Emptyness !! But I finally got to to say what she wanted out of this marriage other than "I dont know". She wanted a relationship, affection, love, etc/.... That was exactly what I want and I know at least we do have some common goals to what we want again. She is scared about the outcome if she cant fix things between us or herself. Im not, I know trying to live with a miserable person who cant fix themselves will just bring yourself down and also create a bad environment for children. Im not living this way and Im not going to blame myself. I know I am pursuing every possible option to fix things (without pushing her too much) Once I know Ive exhausted all my options I will have to decide then. A depressed person sets no goals for themselves and feels they fail at everything in life. Sometimes they withdraw and avoid to deal with things rather than trying to deal with them head on (like myself). They have no self confidence or self esteem to make a change for themselves. That is when either a therapist or someone other than YOU may need to step in to guide them. She is taking steps to improve herself physically, mentally, so I see that. I will encourage her every step of the way from here but it will be a long road ahead I hope Im there to pick up the pieces when she crashes and comes back to reality in family/marriage. I will continue to try to improve myself thru my therapist and self help tool

I like what BIGTRUCK said --- who said life's supposed to be this way? NO SH*T!!!! lol :) On the other hand deep unbridled emotion makes for great poetry.

First tell your counseler, that you are there to get stronger and you need to focus on your well being first before you discuss taking your spouse with you. If your counseler does not see this then it's time to find one that does. You are top priority right at this moment not your marriage. If your husband brings this seperate isssue up again ask him this question, would it benefit his life or yours to be apart? Please be calm when asking this listen to what he has to say and remember this is your life and only you can make it better. If you don't like what he has to say then tell him calmly that. Remember no one can make you happy but yourself, take a postive approach in life start by getting out again like I said renew friendships dont dwell on the what if's life can slip by you quickly while in this slump take your life back and live one day at time. About this I love you. boy my husband is like pulling teeth for that one lol was all lovey dovey first two years then it seems to settle down must be a guy thing comes and goes lol dont be to discouraged happens to me to. they just like us get into a funk. I call it male menopause lol My husband wanted to seperate once to asked him why he thought I needed the space to get it together told him there's the door lol still here but things are really so much better now.( I was very angry at that stage in depression) don't be afraid to ask why. hang in there it is ok to call once in awhile if he is anything like my husband very busy at work hates to be hounded, besides what will you talk about when he is home? if you call all the time that is what he said to me lol (god nows I love to talk) and hated to admit it he was right.lol Hang in there keep posting hope not annoying you jojo god bless Thanks for the praise Big truck glad to see you are doing good. I have great faith in you stay strong my friend. Take care and God bless jojo :)

Well remember that Divorce will not cure any of your problems. They will still exist. Six months ago I told my wife if things didnt improve I could see a divorce as the end result. Here I am and Im still dealing with it. My wife is actually taking steps to get better. Stopped meds since they werent working and now trying to exercise and focus on getting better. Thats all I can ask from her for now. When the time is right in maybe a few weeks I may bring up the subject to discuss the marriage (not her depression) If after counseling and total emotional exhaustion I would have to decide at that point. I guess once I know I can not do any more for myself. That is when you need to make a concious decision for yourself. For you, it doest sound like you are ready for that yet...... your still trying to fix yourself. so am I ... Remember - it took a long time to get to this situation so it may take some time to fix it. I try to stay focused each day on trying to improve my marriage somehow. Hope that helps...

BIGTRUCK That must have been hard for you to admit, especially being a guy. ;p At what point does someone make the decision to call it quits? This can't be the way you want to live the rest of your life. It is so hard when kids are involved, how are they handling it? My 3 don't know this is going on at least I don't think they do...2 of them are 9 and the baby is 2. Maybe they are use to us living like this and we must be doing a good job of covering it up. At least we aren't fighting like we use to and they don't have to see that. Things were worse, for so long, huge, explosive fights. Now we are civil to eachother and talk. Neither one of us has brought up seperating since Sunday. He may still be thinking of it...but he hasn't acted on it. I'm just trying to take care of me and the kids. I have a counseling appt. tonight and I told the counselor I need to concentrate on me and not my marriage. She keeps wanting us to come together and that's not going to happen. I hope she can help. Although this has given me great help, talking with you. So Thanks! :)

Splcastter, One thing I learned in that book Divorce Remedy on that website is that you need to stop saying "I Love You" and giving hugs/kisses etc. All that is doing is feeding your anxiety because the other person is confused and you have expectations to get that back. When you dont it feeds your anxiety. Stop it right now and you will feel more control of your actions. It does not mean you do not love that person or they wont think that you do. You can express yourself in different ways. I.e. a back rub, bring them a cup of coffee in the am by surprise, say they look nice today, etc... By saying "I Love you" can drive that person ****her away. Stop looking for Love... just know that it does exist there. Believe me. My wife and I still live together but she is sleeping in a seperate room. I have said a thing about it. She blames it on her insomnia and the kids. Who cares Im not taking it personally. I cant remember the last time we had sex either. months ago i know that and Im 35 yrs old guy. Drives me nuts... I know if I try to ask for sex I can set myself up for failure and yes it will feed the anxiety. Ive stopped even trying at this time. Remember Sex is not Love... even though alot of people think that it is. The other person needs to be there emotionally and if they are not it can make them withdraw even ****her. Give them thier space and let them heal. When the time is right (weeks / months) try to discuss to them in a calm manner these issues and suggest seeing a therapist together. You cant do it yourselves... because you both are suffering in my opinion. I hurt each day but you need to take a strong approach towards yourself and even you may think that you're stop caring about the other person you actually dont. You are making yourself a stronger more mature person.. Im seeing that now... :) Best of luck to all!!!! Isn't this crazy??? Who said life was supposed to be this way....??? Oh well, live for yourself!!! BIGTRUCK

Hi splcaster. I totally see my situation in your "slices of life" and of what people have said. Typically when someone threatens a separation it's not the person that they are trying to get away from but the overemotional feelings. Just last night I told my husband if I'm saying something that seems mean it's either that I'm insecure about something or I'm hurting. I really think that is what keeps a bad situation in a negative holding pattern and it's so easy to not even know it! Thanks for sharing your story.

Big Truck I was reading your past messages with JOJO and I had a similar experience on New Years Eve, the holidays make it that much worse when you are with someone and yet totally alone. Christmas however was great we were hugging and kissing lkike everything was fine and then he withdrew again. My husband won't even tell me he loves me anymore even when I say it to him, and that is something we have always done and meant. I've stopped telling him and stoppe trying to hug and kiss him, it's sad and for most of the day I am OK, however I can feel it creeping in at times, like right now, I want to call him and tell him how much he means to me, but in reality I really want to hear it from him and that would be forcing him to do so and putting myself in the position of getting rejected. It's so much easier when all 3 kids are home and the house is a distraction for me. I know he is protecting himself and not wanting to believe anything will get better, we've been down this road before, pretty much are whole marriage, but this time I'm trying to take active steps to change myself, he just keeps saying that it would be better for us if he weren't in the house, it would be easier for me, to focus on myself. I think it would be better for me if he were here and I learned on how to focus on myself while he is around. Whatever he decides is his choice, I still need to focus on myself. Some times are easier than others.

So true. You are not alone. So many other people out there going thru the same things and looking for support. This was some of the best therapy Ive gotten so far and kind of helped me put things under control again for myself. Remember You can only change yourself not him. However, by YOU changing he will change too!! It is a leap of faith that you need to do. Going down the same road will bring you nowhere. Taking another road is the solution - that is the leap of faith to change yourself for the better!